Go on, it’s okay. Admit it! We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think you know who I’m talking about.
What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You cannot change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.
The Good News... and the Bad News
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children—and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about “getting our needs met.” And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her cold shoulder and plays a few holes of golf!
Jennifer wins the same reward at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!
We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What Do They Really Want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate—even work extra hard—to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What Can I Do About It?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that “Maybe it’s me.”
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us—today!
Take Action!
Think about two difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Life Would Be Easy... If It Weren't for DIFFICULT People
Go on, it’s okay. Admit it! We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think you know who I’m talking about.
What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You cannot change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.
The Good News... and the Bad News
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children—and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about “getting our needs met.” And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her cold shoulder and plays a few holes of golf!
Jennifer wins the same reward at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!
We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What Do They Really Want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate—even work extra hard—to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What Can I Do About It?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that “Maybe it’s me.”
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us—today!
Take Action!
Think about two difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?
What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You cannot change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.
The Good News... and the Bad News
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children—and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about “getting our needs met.” And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her cold shoulder and plays a few holes of golf!
Jennifer wins the same reward at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!
We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What Do They Really Want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate—even work extra hard—to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What Can I Do About It?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that “Maybe it’s me.”
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us—today!
Take Action!
Think about two difficult people in your life.
Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.
Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?
Avoid Complaining
Change the Way You Think
As soon as the complainer was out of the store, my grandmother would call me to stand in front of her. And then she would say the same thing she had said at least a thousand times, it seemed to me. “Sister, did you hear what Brother So-and-So or Sister Much-to-Do complained about?” And I would nod. Mamma would continue, “Sister, there are people who went to sleep all over the world last night, poor and rich and white and black, but they will never wake again. And those dead folks would give anything, anything at all for just five minutes of this weather that person was grumbling about. So you watch yourself about complaining, Sister. What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”
It is said that persons have few teachable moments in their lives. Mamma seemed to have caught me at each one I had. Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood.
As soon as the complainer was out of the store, my grandmother would call me to stand in front of her. And then she would say the same thing she had said at least a thousand times, it seemed to me. “Sister, did you hear what Brother So-and-So or Sister Much-to-Do complained about?” And I would nod. Mamma would continue, “Sister, there are people who went to sleep all over the world last night, poor and rich and white and black, but they will never wake again. And those dead folks would give anything, anything at all for just five minutes of this weather that person was grumbling about. So you watch yourself about complaining, Sister. What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”
It is said that persons have few teachable moments in their lives. Mamma seemed to have caught me at each one I had. Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood.
Change Begins With Choice
Any day we wish; we can discipline ourselves to make important changes in our lives. Any day we wish; we can open the book that will open our mind to new knowledge. Any day we wish; we can start a new activity. Any day we wish; we can start the process of life change. We can do it immediately, or next week, or next month, or next year.
We can also do nothing. We can pretend rather than perform. And if the idea of having to change ourselves makes us uncomfortable, we can remain as we are. We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make. But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause.
As Shakespeare uniquely observed, ""The fault is not in the stars, but in ourselves."" We created our circumstances by our past choices. We have both the ability and the responsibility to make better choices beginning today. Those who are in search of the good life do not need more answers or more time to think things over to reach better conclusions. They need the truth.
They need the whole truth. And they need nothing but the truth. We cannot allow our errors in judgment, repeated every day, to lead us down the wrong path. We must keep coming back to those basics that make the biggest difference in how our life works out. And then we must make the very choices that will bring life, happiness and joy into our daily lives.
And if I may be so bold to offer my last piece of advice for someone seeking and needing to make changes in their life - If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree. You have the ability to totally transform every area in your life - and it all begins with your very own power of choice.
We can also do nothing. We can pretend rather than perform. And if the idea of having to change ourselves makes us uncomfortable, we can remain as we are. We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make. But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause.
As Shakespeare uniquely observed, ""The fault is not in the stars, but in ourselves."" We created our circumstances by our past choices. We have both the ability and the responsibility to make better choices beginning today. Those who are in search of the good life do not need more answers or more time to think things over to reach better conclusions. They need the truth.
They need the whole truth. And they need nothing but the truth. We cannot allow our errors in judgment, repeated every day, to lead us down the wrong path. We must keep coming back to those basics that make the biggest difference in how our life works out. And then we must make the very choices that will bring life, happiness and joy into our daily lives.
And if I may be so bold to offer my last piece of advice for someone seeking and needing to make changes in their life - If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree. You have the ability to totally transform every area in your life - and it all begins with your very own power of choice.
Concentrate on Personal Success
The next time you watch a baseball game, notice how intently the pitcher stares at the catcher before delivering the pitch. Or, when you are at a concert or watching one on television, observe how the performers glue their eyes on the conductor to ensure starting right together. The pitcher and the musicians are using concentration to do exactly what is needed to perform their best. Concentration is one of the keys to success; it is an absolute essential to high performance.
Intense concentration improves your performance and releases the power of your mental potential, no matter what you are doing. Just as you use only a small fraction of your physical abilities, you habitually make use of only a small portion of your brain capacity. You can be reasonably successful when you use only a fraction of your ability, but you can perform even better if you concentrate and tap some of your unused power.
Everyone can improve concentration. Even though concentration begins with a simple decision to concentrate, it takes practice and it may not be easy at first. Take these steps to improve your ability to focus your mental powers and concentrate:
Relax. When you are nervous, worried, or "keyed up," your body cannot perform at its best. Before you begin any important activity, take deep rhythmic breaths until your body is relaxed. Explore other methods of relaxation to discover what works best for you.
Try this concentration exercise. Picture in your mind a blackboard in a classroom with a single number written on it. Concentrate on this number for a while, then imagine beside it another digit, and then add a third. Continue adding digits until you are no longer able to hold together the picture of the new largest number. A book from your local library can give you further suggested exercises for improving your power of concentration.
Learn how to tune out distracting influences. Practice the art of ignoring distracting noises and sights. To begin, try to tune out television commercials, street noises, and other distractions. The ability to eliminate distractions will prove valuable to you when you must perform at your best.
Make concentration a habit. Discipline your mind when you are doing important work. Concentrating on everything you do makes it easier to focus your thoughts on reaching your important goals. Concentration can boost your performance to levels higher than you ever thought possible!
Intense concentration improves your performance and releases the power of your mental potential, no matter what you are doing. Just as you use only a small fraction of your physical abilities, you habitually make use of only a small portion of your brain capacity. You can be reasonably successful when you use only a fraction of your ability, but you can perform even better if you concentrate and tap some of your unused power.
Everyone can improve concentration. Even though concentration begins with a simple decision to concentrate, it takes practice and it may not be easy at first. Take these steps to improve your ability to focus your mental powers and concentrate:
Relax. When you are nervous, worried, or "keyed up," your body cannot perform at its best. Before you begin any important activity, take deep rhythmic breaths until your body is relaxed. Explore other methods of relaxation to discover what works best for you.
Try this concentration exercise. Picture in your mind a blackboard in a classroom with a single number written on it. Concentrate on this number for a while, then imagine beside it another digit, and then add a third. Continue adding digits until you are no longer able to hold together the picture of the new largest number. A book from your local library can give you further suggested exercises for improving your power of concentration.
Learn how to tune out distracting influences. Practice the art of ignoring distracting noises and sights. To begin, try to tune out television commercials, street noises, and other distractions. The ability to eliminate distractions will prove valuable to you when you must perform at your best.
Make concentration a habit. Discipline your mind when you are doing important work. Concentrating on everything you do makes it easier to focus your thoughts on reaching your important goals. Concentration can boost your performance to levels higher than you ever thought possible!
Making the Choice Not to Worry
More damage is done by worrying than by what is being worried about. This is because 90 percent of all worries never come to pass. Over the years, I have made it a deliberate point not to worry. If something happens at work or at home that would constitute a worry, I have learned to address the potential worry and say, "I'm going to wait to worry." Then when I objectively and realistically address the issue, the "obvious" need for worrying goes away.
For me to enjoy life, remain healthy, and be full of peace, worry cannot be part of my daily routine. I've seen its disastrous effects on the lives of people and their children. Here are a few of the side effects of worrying:
Self-doubt - It is a downward spiral that focuses on the negative and why things cannot be done versus why things can be done. It is a sinkhole, a debilitating attitude, and a terrible habit.
Mediocrity - Capable people who worry are rendered incapable of accomplishing their intended goal. Worry makes you peck around on the ground like a chicken when you were intended to soar like an eagle.
Fright - People who worry are not being cautious or thinking things over; they are simply scared. Running scared is the enemy of success, peace, contentment, happiness, joy, and laughter.
No spark - The excitement is gone. Worry lets the air out of all you do, draining the fun and excitement from everything.
No creativity - The freedom to be creative is squelched by worry. You simply cannot excel to your full potential when worry controls your thoughts.
Improper shaping - You are molded and shaped by your thinking, and worries should not shape your future.
Hazy results - Those who worry are second-guessing themselves, which produces a hesitancy that brings with it an unclear focus. Such a hazy goal will produce a hazy result.
Bad habits - Worrying is a habit, the result of preconditioning and years of practice. The destructive habit of worrying turns people into prisoners.
Physical ailments - The body reacts adversely to internal worries. John Edmund Haggai insightfully stated, "A distraught mind inevitably leads to a deteriorated body."
Wasted time - Over 90 percent of what you worry about never comes to pass. To worry is to waste time; therefore, the more you worry, the less you accomplish.
Make the decision for yourself to live life worry-free. It is not only possible, but it is also very enjoyable!
For me to enjoy life, remain healthy, and be full of peace, worry cannot be part of my daily routine. I've seen its disastrous effects on the lives of people and their children. Here are a few of the side effects of worrying:
Self-doubt - It is a downward spiral that focuses on the negative and why things cannot be done versus why things can be done. It is a sinkhole, a debilitating attitude, and a terrible habit.
Mediocrity - Capable people who worry are rendered incapable of accomplishing their intended goal. Worry makes you peck around on the ground like a chicken when you were intended to soar like an eagle.
Fright - People who worry are not being cautious or thinking things over; they are simply scared. Running scared is the enemy of success, peace, contentment, happiness, joy, and laughter.
No spark - The excitement is gone. Worry lets the air out of all you do, draining the fun and excitement from everything.
No creativity - The freedom to be creative is squelched by worry. You simply cannot excel to your full potential when worry controls your thoughts.
Improper shaping - You are molded and shaped by your thinking, and worries should not shape your future.
Hazy results - Those who worry are second-guessing themselves, which produces a hesitancy that brings with it an unclear focus. Such a hazy goal will produce a hazy result.
Bad habits - Worrying is a habit, the result of preconditioning and years of practice. The destructive habit of worrying turns people into prisoners.
Physical ailments - The body reacts adversely to internal worries. John Edmund Haggai insightfully stated, "A distraught mind inevitably leads to a deteriorated body."
Wasted time - Over 90 percent of what you worry about never comes to pass. To worry is to waste time; therefore, the more you worry, the less you accomplish.
Make the decision for yourself to live life worry-free. It is not only possible, but it is also very enjoyable!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Ten Life Laws
Life laws are the rules of the game. You can either ignore them and stumble—wondering why you never succeed—or learn them, adapt to them, mold your choices and behavior to them, and live effectively.
Law #1: You either get it, or you don’t.
Learn why you do what you do, and don’t do what you don’t do. If you don’t get it, you will often be found beating your head against the wall and complaining that you never get a break. Those who get it make fewer foolish mistakes because they figure out the formula for success—they acquire the knowledge and experience they need to create the results they want.
The “it” that you need to get may change from time to time, but there will be some common elements. The “it” whose code you need to break may be in relationships, self-management, or career competition. You may need to come to grips with your emotional life. Whatever “it” is, once you see how things really work, you function from a position of strength.
Law #2: You create your own experience.
You need to accept accountability for your life and your role in creating the results that are your life. You are accountable for your life. Good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, happy or sad, fair or unfair, you own your life. You create the results in your life, all of the time. If you don’t like your job, you are accountable. If your relationships are on the rocks, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. Whatever your life circumstance, you can no longer dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is.
If you don’t accept accountability, you will misdiagnose and mistreat every problem you have. And things won’t get better. By convincing yourself that you are a victim, you guarantee no progress, no healing, and no victory. Your irresponsibility prevents you from making progress to improve your life.
Law #3: People do what works.
Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior. There may have been thousands of times that you have said or done foolish things, only to shake your head in frustration and disbelief. You may say to yourself, “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing that? I hate that, and I hate myself when I do it, so why do I do it?”
Good questions. The answer is that you do those things because at some level, they work. At some level, you perceive that these unwanted behaviors serve a purpose. The behavior you choose creates the results you get. You can start behaving in the positive ways necessary to have what you want—or stop behaving in ways that interfere with your having what you want. You cannot eliminate your negative behavior without understanding why you do it to begin with.
Law #4: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
You need to get real with yourself about your life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn’t working in your life. If you’re unwilling to acknowledge a thought, circumstance, problem, condition, behavior, or emotion—if you won’t take ownership of your role in a situation—then you cannot and will not change it. If you refuse to acknowledge your own self-destructive behaviors, not only will they continue, they will gain momentum, become more entrenched in the habitual patterns of your life.
You can lie to yourself in two ways: You can affirmatively misrepresent the truth, or you can lie to yourself by omission. Failing to tell yourself what is, is just as dangerous as misrepresenting what is. So you need to ask yourself the hard questions and to give yourself realistic answers.
Law #5: Life rewards action.
Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. The world couldn’t care less about thoughts without actions. The responses and results that you receive from anyone, in any situation, are triggered by your behaviors. This is the only way people can get to know you, and decide whether to reward or punish you. When you choose the behavior (the action), you choose the consequences. The better the choices, the better the results; the better the behavior, the better the results. But the bottom line is that if you do nothing, you get neither. Life rewards action.
People don’t care about your intentions. They care about what you do. What determines the script of your life is what you do. In a society of “victims,” you may respond: “It’s not my fault. It’s not my job.” I’ve got news for you: You are your job.
Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.
Identify the filters through which you view the world. This law determines whether or not you are happy, satisfied, and at peace. Whatever meaning or value a circumstance has for you will be the meaning or value that you give it. To appreciate how this law works, you need to understand the difference between sensation and perception. When light waves are received by your eyes or sound waves by your ears, that is sensation: stimuli being received by your sense organs. Perception is interpreting those sensations, assigning meaning to them.
A husband and wife, looking at the same situation, can come up with totally different versions of what it means. This “incongruency of perceptions” can lead to frustration, confusion, and disharmony. There’s nothing to be gained by asking who is right and wrong. There is no reality, only perception. How you view the event is what determines its meaning to you. When it comes to how you see things, you have a choice.
Law #7: Life is managed; it is not cured.
Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. Never are you without problems or challenges. Life has to be managed. If you accept this, you are less likely to label every problem as a crisis or to conclude that you’re not handling your life successfully. Success is a moving target, and your life must be actively managed. How well your life is working five years from now will be a function of how well you actively manage yourself from now until then. As a life manager, your objective is to manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You may not be the only client you have, particularly if your family includes children or people who act like children. But you are your most important client. To give something in your roles, as spouse or parent, you must take care of yourself.
Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want. You shape the behavior of those with whom you interact. How you interpret and react to another’s behavior determines whether or not they are likely to repeat it. You actively participate in defining your relationships.
People treat you the way they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff. Results (not intentions) influence the people with whom you interact. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’ll want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment.
Law #9: There is power in forgiveness.
Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you. Hate, anger, and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive emotions. To carry and feel hatred changes who you are. For every thought and feeling, there is a physiological reaction, and these reactions are evident whenever you are feeling these powerful negative emotions. Hatred, anger, and resentment are incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation. This means that those who love you don’t get you—they get the bitter shell of who you once were. Your task is to undo the chains of hatred and anger so that you do not take those emotions with you into these other relationships. Break these bonds and cleanse your heart and mind of the poison. You do not have to be angry just because you have the right to be.
Law #10: You have to name it to claim it.
Get clear about what you want. If you cannot name, with great specificity, what it is that you want, then you can’t step up and claim it. Indecision creates inaction, and inaction leads to results that you do not want. The need for specificity applies to every goal you set. You need to know so much about what you want that whenever you are heading toward it, you know it, you feel it, and you sense it. When you know your goals, you will recognize which behaviors and choices support them.
Excellence in Action: Obey these laws of life.
Law #1: You either get it, or you don’t.
Learn why you do what you do, and don’t do what you don’t do. If you don’t get it, you will often be found beating your head against the wall and complaining that you never get a break. Those who get it make fewer foolish mistakes because they figure out the formula for success—they acquire the knowledge and experience they need to create the results they want.
The “it” that you need to get may change from time to time, but there will be some common elements. The “it” whose code you need to break may be in relationships, self-management, or career competition. You may need to come to grips with your emotional life. Whatever “it” is, once you see how things really work, you function from a position of strength.
Law #2: You create your own experience.
You need to accept accountability for your life and your role in creating the results that are your life. You are accountable for your life. Good or bad, successful or unsuccessful, happy or sad, fair or unfair, you own your life. You create the results in your life, all of the time. If you don’t like your job, you are accountable. If your relationships are on the rocks, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. Whatever your life circumstance, you can no longer dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is.
If you don’t accept accountability, you will misdiagnose and mistreat every problem you have. And things won’t get better. By convincing yourself that you are a victim, you guarantee no progress, no healing, and no victory. Your irresponsibility prevents you from making progress to improve your life.
Law #3: People do what works.
Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior. There may have been thousands of times that you have said or done foolish things, only to shake your head in frustration and disbelief. You may say to yourself, “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing that? I hate that, and I hate myself when I do it, so why do I do it?”
Good questions. The answer is that you do those things because at some level, they work. At some level, you perceive that these unwanted behaviors serve a purpose. The behavior you choose creates the results you get. You can start behaving in the positive ways necessary to have what you want—or stop behaving in ways that interfere with your having what you want. You cannot eliminate your negative behavior without understanding why you do it to begin with.
Law #4: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
You need to get real with yourself about your life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn’t working in your life. If you’re unwilling to acknowledge a thought, circumstance, problem, condition, behavior, or emotion—if you won’t take ownership of your role in a situation—then you cannot and will not change it. If you refuse to acknowledge your own self-destructive behaviors, not only will they continue, they will gain momentum, become more entrenched in the habitual patterns of your life.
You can lie to yourself in two ways: You can affirmatively misrepresent the truth, or you can lie to yourself by omission. Failing to tell yourself what is, is just as dangerous as misrepresenting what is. So you need to ask yourself the hard questions and to give yourself realistic answers.
Law #5: Life rewards action.
Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. The world couldn’t care less about thoughts without actions. The responses and results that you receive from anyone, in any situation, are triggered by your behaviors. This is the only way people can get to know you, and decide whether to reward or punish you. When you choose the behavior (the action), you choose the consequences. The better the choices, the better the results; the better the behavior, the better the results. But the bottom line is that if you do nothing, you get neither. Life rewards action.
People don’t care about your intentions. They care about what you do. What determines the script of your life is what you do. In a society of “victims,” you may respond: “It’s not my fault. It’s not my job.” I’ve got news for you: You are your job.
Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.
Identify the filters through which you view the world. This law determines whether or not you are happy, satisfied, and at peace. Whatever meaning or value a circumstance has for you will be the meaning or value that you give it. To appreciate how this law works, you need to understand the difference between sensation and perception. When light waves are received by your eyes or sound waves by your ears, that is sensation: stimuli being received by your sense organs. Perception is interpreting those sensations, assigning meaning to them.
A husband and wife, looking at the same situation, can come up with totally different versions of what it means. This “incongruency of perceptions” can lead to frustration, confusion, and disharmony. There’s nothing to be gained by asking who is right and wrong. There is no reality, only perception. How you view the event is what determines its meaning to you. When it comes to how you see things, you have a choice.
Law #7: Life is managed; it is not cured.
Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. Never are you without problems or challenges. Life has to be managed. If you accept this, you are less likely to label every problem as a crisis or to conclude that you’re not handling your life successfully. Success is a moving target, and your life must be actively managed. How well your life is working five years from now will be a function of how well you actively manage yourself from now until then. As a life manager, your objective is to manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You may not be the only client you have, particularly if your family includes children or people who act like children. But you are your most important client. To give something in your roles, as spouse or parent, you must take care of yourself.
Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want. You shape the behavior of those with whom you interact. How you interpret and react to another’s behavior determines whether or not they are likely to repeat it. You actively participate in defining your relationships.
People treat you the way they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff. Results (not intentions) influence the people with whom you interact. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’ll want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment.
Law #9: There is power in forgiveness.
Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you. Hate, anger, and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive emotions. To carry and feel hatred changes who you are. For every thought and feeling, there is a physiological reaction, and these reactions are evident whenever you are feeling these powerful negative emotions. Hatred, anger, and resentment are incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation. This means that those who love you don’t get you—they get the bitter shell of who you once were. Your task is to undo the chains of hatred and anger so that you do not take those emotions with you into these other relationships. Break these bonds and cleanse your heart and mind of the poison. You do not have to be angry just because you have the right to be.
Law #10: You have to name it to claim it.
Get clear about what you want. If you cannot name, with great specificity, what it is that you want, then you can’t step up and claim it. Indecision creates inaction, and inaction leads to results that you do not want. The need for specificity applies to every goal you set. You need to know so much about what you want that whenever you are heading toward it, you know it, you feel it, and you sense it. When you know your goals, you will recognize which behaviors and choices support them.
Excellence in Action: Obey these laws of life.
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